I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i need some magic done to my vagina
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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