Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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