I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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