My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
