from now on my penis is your penis
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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