There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
