I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My vagina is officially offended.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
