Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
