i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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