I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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