Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
