My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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