Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
