i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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