oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
