So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
where are my eyebrows?
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