Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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