Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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