When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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