note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
