Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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