The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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