I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
