I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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