he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
