Someone shit on the floor
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
