there's paper in my vomit.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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