there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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