I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
