I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
