Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
