I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
