I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
