Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
