my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
