haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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