i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
