I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
