She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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