The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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