bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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