If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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