I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
