Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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