He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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