we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I wear drunk well.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
