we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
