he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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