U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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