It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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