yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
