I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
