Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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