I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
