And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
