The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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