People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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