I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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