i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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