I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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