Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
