Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
