the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
