My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
