farters have to be the big spoon...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
