I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
